In The Beginning
I never dreamt I
would become a father and thought that if I decided to have children and
couldn’t for any reason then I would adopt or foster. My ideas on this subject
were very hazy because the last thing on my mind would be to dedicate any time
or money on anyone but myself and my wife.
My life as I saw it, was great fun, being free to socialise eat and drink, wherever and whenever we wanted. At the top of my list of priorities was my sports car, to appear to others like a ‘pop star sex god’ and going to countries I dreamt of in my sheltered childhood.
We had great fun for 4 years before I came to the decision, that if I was going to be a Dad at any point in my life, I wanted to be a young one. I could see myself as a Dad hanging from trees, charging through woodland and getting dirty. But above all I wanted to be a dad that could actually go to his child’s wedding and dance with rhythm, and not look too out of place with the youngsters on the dance floor. I would want my sons/daughters friends to be amazed at how young and agile I looked and say “he doesn’t look a day over 30”. So I had to make my move now to achieve the goal to be a fit, young looking 55 year old father at the time of my child’s wedding.
Although I had every intention of becoming a Dad it never occurred to me that once the decision had been made it would happen so quickly. Catching and miscarriage was something I was sure would affect us, as it seemed to, with many other couples, and I felt prepared for the worst. In my world if it didn’t happen, it simply didn’t happen, I would try again and again. If I felt it was not going to work I would give up and adopt, so I maintained a good sense of positivity that no aspect of producing a baby would affect my life’s goals.